Three weeks since my last post, holy crap. It doesn't really matter. I doubt anyone reads these but me. Not much lately. The usual teenage stuff. School, friends, boys, family. All that jazz.
Ugh, I'm so bored. This is boring. I have a feeling that's not going to change so...
i'm gone.
bye.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Today?
It's kind of ironic that my last blog talked about what it did, especially with everything that has been going on lately. There have been a lot of unexpected things happen this past week. Some are good, and some are bad, and others are very bad, and others are really good. Sometimes I find myself trapped in my own mind without a way to get out. When that happens I freak out because I don't know what to do. I don't know if anyone else notices this, but I sure do, obviously.
Not only do I have stuff that is going on that is upseting me, but the school year is winding down, and it's really depressing. Drama is over now, and it seems like it just began. I am excited for summer, but I'm dreading it, too. I don't want to leave all my friends, and have to wait 3 months to see them again. I don't want to leave all my good memories behind. The last day of school will be very bittersweet.
I dont know what else to say. Any ideas? Let me know.
peace.
carissa.
Not only do I have stuff that is going on that is upseting me, but the school year is winding down, and it's really depressing. Drama is over now, and it seems like it just began. I am excited for summer, but I'm dreading it, too. I don't want to leave all my friends, and have to wait 3 months to see them again. I don't want to leave all my good memories behind. The last day of school will be very bittersweet.
I dont know what else to say. Any ideas? Let me know.
peace.
carissa.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Two Parts
Part One: Expectations.
We all deal with them. Whether it is the expectations we put on others or the ones we receive. Some meet the expectations, others don't. It depends on the person and the expectation being enforced. Some expectations can't and/or never will be met. There are people who meet all the expectations thrown at them. There are people who don't. Why is this? I don't know. Is it because they don't want to? Is it because they are too lazy? Is it because they have other things to worry about? Is it simply because they don't know how, or the expectation is to high or out of reach?
We give ourselves expectations and standards. Our parents, friends, neighbors, and even strangers do, as well. Sometimes they are fair and sometimes they're not. And most of the time if you don't live up to these high standards you are frowned upon.
I put the pressure on myself to expect intelligence, fairness, kindness, integrity, diligence, honesty, love, and logic to be expressed in my every day words and actions. This pressure can benefit me and it can hurt me. My peers put the pressure on me to be funny, once again intelligent, nice, pretty, "cool", etc. every day. They may or may not know that they do it, but they do. We all do. My parents expect me to be the best of myself. They expect me to be reasonable and logical, and sometimes I just can't. I'm a 15 year old teenager I am going to be immature and unreasonable now and again. It is only normal. The person that I feel like I have to live up to their expectations the most is my brother. It is ironic because he's the person that is around the least. I won't go into detail about why because it's a little bit too personal to put on the web.
I wish it were easier to meet all the expectations brought onto us, but I think, in a way, they are meant to challenge us. They are a way to force us to believe in ourselves, to believe that we can be the things expected of us. We can be smart, beautiful, funny, nice, understanding, honest, etc. and still be ourselves.
Part Two: Confidence.
Failing is one of the largest fears among people, and with good reason. So many heavy emotions come with the possibility and idea of failing. When you fail it makes you feel like you are not good enough, like you are not worthy. It makes you feel like you disappointed everyone that was rooting for you. No one wants to fail, no matter under which circumstances they do it, but it's inevitable. We all have to fail sooner or later. And when we do, we get up and make sure that the next time we won't, and we make sure that there IS a next time.
I believe everyone just wants to be something bigger than themselves. Everyone wants to do something amazing, something important, something that will matter, and make a difference. They might admit it or they might not, but I think deep down everyone really does. I think, too, that everyone has the ability to make themselves who they want to be. It could be easy, and it could be hard, but it will be guarenteed to be worthwhile.
To succeed, a person needs a lot of strength and a lot of courage. Above all things, though, they need to believe in themselves. They need to believe that they can do all the things they want to do. They can be who they want to be, and they can live the lives they want to live. It's easier said then done, for sure. Everyone tends to be so negative all the time. To the people around them, but mostly to themselves. This is another thing where I don't know why we all do it but we do. For some reason it's easier to find our flaws and weaknesses than our perfections and strengths. Our society would be in such better shape if we all could learn to love ourselves.
Right now I'm trying to meet my expectations, and stay as confident in myself as possible. It's hard for me, because doing both of these things are two of my biggest weaknesses. But at least I'm trying. I'm putting an effort forth. And in the end I can at least say I tried.
We all deal with them. Whether it is the expectations we put on others or the ones we receive. Some meet the expectations, others don't. It depends on the person and the expectation being enforced. Some expectations can't and/or never will be met. There are people who meet all the expectations thrown at them. There are people who don't. Why is this? I don't know. Is it because they don't want to? Is it because they are too lazy? Is it because they have other things to worry about? Is it simply because they don't know how, or the expectation is to high or out of reach?
We give ourselves expectations and standards. Our parents, friends, neighbors, and even strangers do, as well. Sometimes they are fair and sometimes they're not. And most of the time if you don't live up to these high standards you are frowned upon.
I put the pressure on myself to expect intelligence, fairness, kindness, integrity, diligence, honesty, love, and logic to be expressed in my every day words and actions. This pressure can benefit me and it can hurt me. My peers put the pressure on me to be funny, once again intelligent, nice, pretty, "cool", etc. every day. They may or may not know that they do it, but they do. We all do. My parents expect me to be the best of myself. They expect me to be reasonable and logical, and sometimes I just can't. I'm a 15 year old teenager I am going to be immature and unreasonable now and again. It is only normal. The person that I feel like I have to live up to their expectations the most is my brother. It is ironic because he's the person that is around the least. I won't go into detail about why because it's a little bit too personal to put on the web.
I wish it were easier to meet all the expectations brought onto us, but I think, in a way, they are meant to challenge us. They are a way to force us to believe in ourselves, to believe that we can be the things expected of us. We can be smart, beautiful, funny, nice, understanding, honest, etc. and still be ourselves.
Part Two: Confidence.
Failing is one of the largest fears among people, and with good reason. So many heavy emotions come with the possibility and idea of failing. When you fail it makes you feel like you are not good enough, like you are not worthy. It makes you feel like you disappointed everyone that was rooting for you. No one wants to fail, no matter under which circumstances they do it, but it's inevitable. We all have to fail sooner or later. And when we do, we get up and make sure that the next time we won't, and we make sure that there IS a next time.
I believe everyone just wants to be something bigger than themselves. Everyone wants to do something amazing, something important, something that will matter, and make a difference. They might admit it or they might not, but I think deep down everyone really does. I think, too, that everyone has the ability to make themselves who they want to be. It could be easy, and it could be hard, but it will be guarenteed to be worthwhile.
To succeed, a person needs a lot of strength and a lot of courage. Above all things, though, they need to believe in themselves. They need to believe that they can do all the things they want to do. They can be who they want to be, and they can live the lives they want to live. It's easier said then done, for sure. Everyone tends to be so negative all the time. To the people around them, but mostly to themselves. This is another thing where I don't know why we all do it but we do. For some reason it's easier to find our flaws and weaknesses than our perfections and strengths. Our society would be in such better shape if we all could learn to love ourselves.
Right now I'm trying to meet my expectations, and stay as confident in myself as possible. It's hard for me, because doing both of these things are two of my biggest weaknesses. But at least I'm trying. I'm putting an effort forth. And in the end I can at least say I tried.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Finally Happy
I haven't thought about it much lately, but today I've come to realize just how happy and lucky I am. I mean there are things in my life that suck, and things that I complain about. There are thoughts that get me down, and scare me. There are worries that never seem to go away, and suspicions and questions that never get answered, that bother me. But, despite all that, I am happy.
My parents may be divorced, but they couldn't be happier. They have become better people because of their decision 7 years ago and so have I. My grandfather died 4 years ago, and it broke my heart, but it also gave me a better appreciation for the things he did, and for what he taught me. It also allowed me to appreciate my last living grandparent even more. My best friend seems almost nonexistent anymore, but look at the 20 or so others that have proven to be faithful. My brother is a jerk, and has a lot of problems from his past and in his present that hurt me terribly, but I learn from his mistakes, and I grow from them.
There is so much bad in our lives, that, though, it may cause pain or turmoil, it also can result in good. It can result in growth of our inner being, of our strength, of our knowledge and understanding. It can result to realizations that carry us to far better things, and places.
Without the bad, there can be no good. What meaning or value would the good have if there was no bad to compare it to? The bad may suck, and it may be something hard to pull through and get past, but it IS possible to overcome. "The sun will rise," as they say.
I never thought it would happen, but I am finally comfortable with who I am. For the first time I don't feel out of my element, or like I am somewhere I don't belong. I am where I am supposed and want to be. It's one of the best feelings in the world.
My parents may be divorced, but they couldn't be happier. They have become better people because of their decision 7 years ago and so have I. My grandfather died 4 years ago, and it broke my heart, but it also gave me a better appreciation for the things he did, and for what he taught me. It also allowed me to appreciate my last living grandparent even more. My best friend seems almost nonexistent anymore, but look at the 20 or so others that have proven to be faithful. My brother is a jerk, and has a lot of problems from his past and in his present that hurt me terribly, but I learn from his mistakes, and I grow from them.
There is so much bad in our lives, that, though, it may cause pain or turmoil, it also can result in good. It can result in growth of our inner being, of our strength, of our knowledge and understanding. It can result to realizations that carry us to far better things, and places.
Without the bad, there can be no good. What meaning or value would the good have if there was no bad to compare it to? The bad may suck, and it may be something hard to pull through and get past, but it IS possible to overcome. "The sun will rise," as they say.
I never thought it would happen, but I am finally comfortable with who I am. For the first time I don't feel out of my element, or like I am somewhere I don't belong. I am where I am supposed and want to be. It's one of the best feelings in the world.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The Best, the Worst, the Random
I'm backkkkkkk. Mwahahaha.
Okay, so now that I am done with that, I guess, I can finally do what I had planned to do last night! You don't have to beg anymore. I honestly don't even know if it will be exciting or interesting or entertaining, but I'm going to do it anyway. So, without further adieu...
The highlights of the past week or two:
-The almost fight at school
-Bethany falling during drama
-Robbie and Bross's slow-motion fight
-When Brad challenged me to a wizard's duel
-Sammy hitting herself in the head with her pen repeatedly. I dont know why, it just made me laugh
-Muirisha going through Kohrs's window to get velcrow.
-Her running away from Kohrs and Laura and I hiding in the bathroom
-Stealing food from the Middle School cafeteria at the boys' baseball game.
-Going into both of the boys' bathrooms. (Just some advice guys, FLUSH the urinels)
-Michael pretending that he was using the toilet when I went in there.
-Building the marshmellow tower with Joella and Olivia
-Imitating the almost fight with Robbie
-Dancing down the hallways to "Anything Goes" with Racquel
-Filming Phil at lunch
-Finding out that Rielag is okay
-Sean drooling on his election speech in English
-Emily showing me a line in a book that said "into womanhood with hips and Grand Tetons"
-Attempting to explain to Phil what a camel toe was.
-The Jonas Brothers' Live Chats
-Fred the Babysitter and Fred on Halloween (Check them out on youtube.com. Freakin hilarious)
ehh, i can't think of anything else. i shall continue that tomorrow? yes? no? maybe? i don't know.
but i do want to talk about something kind of serious.
I have this friend, and she is one of my best. I love her to death, and she is one of my favorite people but things are changing and not for the better. I just feel so distant from her anymore. She used to tell me everything and now she tells me nothing. It hurts, honestly. I wish that she would talk to me. I don't care what about, just something, anything. It seems to me lately that she is a different person than I know her to be. She is still amazing, but some things have definitely changed. Some for better, and some for worse. I just miss my old friend. I could tell her anything and now I never know what to say. I don't even know how to fix things with her either. If I did that would make things a whole lot easier. Iwish things could go back to the way they used to be. I miss those days so much. But maybe things are supposed to be this way. Maybe we are having troubles for a bigger reason beyond ourselves that is unknown to us, I don't know. I just hope that we will be back to normal again. Sooner rather than later.
Another thing that has been bothering me lately is that I can't seem to like the things I like anymore without someone yelling at me for liking it or making fun of me for it. I don't mind most of the time, but when it gets to be every second of everyday, it kind of gets old. I know that I talk about them a lot, but isn't that what everyone does? Talk about the things they like. I mean, I thought it was natural to. I guess, it all comes back to the simple fact of wanting to be accepted and understood.
I honestly don't know what to say, so I guess I will end this.
the end.
Okay, so now that I am done with that, I guess, I can finally do what I had planned to do last night! You don't have to beg anymore. I honestly don't even know if it will be exciting or interesting or entertaining, but I'm going to do it anyway. So, without further adieu...
The highlights of the past week or two:
-The almost fight at school
-Bethany falling during drama
-Robbie and Bross's slow-motion fight
-When Brad challenged me to a wizard's duel
-Sammy hitting herself in the head with her pen repeatedly. I dont know why, it just made me laugh
-Muirisha going through Kohrs's window to get velcrow.
-Her running away from Kohrs and Laura and I hiding in the bathroom
-Stealing food from the Middle School cafeteria at the boys' baseball game.
-Going into both of the boys' bathrooms. (Just some advice guys, FLUSH the urinels)
-Michael pretending that he was using the toilet when I went in there.
-Building the marshmellow tower with Joella and Olivia
-Imitating the almost fight with Robbie
-Dancing down the hallways to "Anything Goes" with Racquel
-Filming Phil at lunch
-Finding out that Rielag is okay
-Sean drooling on his election speech in English
-Emily showing me a line in a book that said "into womanhood with hips and Grand Tetons"
-Attempting to explain to Phil what a camel toe was.
-The Jonas Brothers' Live Chats
-Fred the Babysitter and Fred on Halloween (Check them out on youtube.com. Freakin hilarious)
ehh, i can't think of anything else. i shall continue that tomorrow? yes? no? maybe? i don't know.
but i do want to talk about something kind of serious.
I have this friend, and she is one of my best. I love her to death, and she is one of my favorite people but things are changing and not for the better. I just feel so distant from her anymore. She used to tell me everything and now she tells me nothing. It hurts, honestly. I wish that she would talk to me. I don't care what about, just something, anything. It seems to me lately that she is a different person than I know her to be. She is still amazing, but some things have definitely changed. Some for better, and some for worse. I just miss my old friend. I could tell her anything and now I never know what to say. I don't even know how to fix things with her either. If I did that would make things a whole lot easier. Iwish things could go back to the way they used to be. I miss those days so much. But maybe things are supposed to be this way. Maybe we are having troubles for a bigger reason beyond ourselves that is unknown to us, I don't know. I just hope that we will be back to normal again. Sooner rather than later.
Another thing that has been bothering me lately is that I can't seem to like the things I like anymore without someone yelling at me for liking it or making fun of me for it. I don't mind most of the time, but when it gets to be every second of everyday, it kind of gets old. I know that I talk about them a lot, but isn't that what everyone does? Talk about the things they like. I mean, I thought it was natural to. I guess, it all comes back to the simple fact of wanting to be accepted and understood.
I honestly don't know what to say, so I guess I will end this.
the end.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Carissa's First
I have had this blog for a while now and I figured it was about time I actually wrote something in it, so here I am.
I am always thinking about life. The people in life, the nature of life, the future of life, and the end of life. Actually I am always thinking period. I drive myself crazy with the constant reeling of questions and memories and such. I just wonder why I am here, and why am I the way that I am. You know, like what in my life has formed me into the person that I am? I think about what my purpose is, and if I will succeed or fail in life. I guess to some it's kinda strange for a 15 year old girl to be thinking about those sorts of things, but I do.
That's a good thing to talk about, too. Why don't more 15 year olds contemplate the complextions of life? I mean, in some ways, when they don't it seems like they don't care then, or don't appreciate life. I don't know...I just feel like people anymore don't care about anything. Whether it be school, jobs, friends, family, themselves. It's a shame, really.
I personally love life. I never want it to end, but it is inevitable that it someday will. For my sake, I hope my life doesn't end for a long long long time. Same for my loved ones. Death frightens me terribly. I hate thinking about death, yet I always do when I think about life. They go hand-in-hand I guess. I hate the thought of not waking up one day, not being able to breathe, not being able to see the progress of the world and its inhabitants. Plus, the simple fact that you never know when it's coming, so then you never know what moment will be your last.
Geez, Carissa, first blog and already throwing out the serious stuff. I'll save you from reading too much of my "into the meaning of life" ramblings and give you something entertaining. Well, at least, I will attempt to. Here is what I will do.
Actually, I have decided to wait until tomorrow to do what I was planning on, so you will have to wait until then to read. You are dying right now aren't you? You just can't stand to wait another second to know what I was going to do. You are about to get on your knees and beg me to give you mercy and do what I was going to do. (I really hope that you really aren't otherwise that would be pathetic and I hope you know that I am exaggerating insanely just to be stupid.) I could do that, but I'm not going to. Until tomorrow! Au revoir!
okay, that was uncalled for. bye.
I am always thinking about life. The people in life, the nature of life, the future of life, and the end of life. Actually I am always thinking period. I drive myself crazy with the constant reeling of questions and memories and such. I just wonder why I am here, and why am I the way that I am. You know, like what in my life has formed me into the person that I am? I think about what my purpose is, and if I will succeed or fail in life. I guess to some it's kinda strange for a 15 year old girl to be thinking about those sorts of things, but I do.
That's a good thing to talk about, too. Why don't more 15 year olds contemplate the complextions of life? I mean, in some ways, when they don't it seems like they don't care then, or don't appreciate life. I don't know...I just feel like people anymore don't care about anything. Whether it be school, jobs, friends, family, themselves. It's a shame, really.
I personally love life. I never want it to end, but it is inevitable that it someday will. For my sake, I hope my life doesn't end for a long long long time. Same for my loved ones. Death frightens me terribly. I hate thinking about death, yet I always do when I think about life. They go hand-in-hand I guess. I hate the thought of not waking up one day, not being able to breathe, not being able to see the progress of the world and its inhabitants. Plus, the simple fact that you never know when it's coming, so then you never know what moment will be your last.
Geez, Carissa, first blog and already throwing out the serious stuff. I'll save you from reading too much of my "into the meaning of life" ramblings and give you something entertaining. Well, at least, I will attempt to. Here is what I will do.
Actually, I have decided to wait until tomorrow to do what I was planning on, so you will have to wait until then to read. You are dying right now aren't you? You just can't stand to wait another second to know what I was going to do. You are about to get on your knees and beg me to give you mercy and do what I was going to do. (I really hope that you really aren't otherwise that would be pathetic and I hope you know that I am exaggerating insanely just to be stupid.) I could do that, but I'm not going to. Until tomorrow! Au revoir!
okay, that was uncalled for. bye.
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